the hourglass that wore its way,
the bell that could not play
quite simply then as it were,
everything was naught,
i was the poet who forgot.
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sophie n./snxy`
220387.
the sun, the sand & the sea.
politikal analyst.
digs rock, raves, elektronik danze musik & fun reads.
struggling poet.
some people drink themselves to oblivion, i choose to write. email
It's easy to read and re-blog posts that you come across, of love and life, of breaking up & moving on. Things that seem to relate to what you're going through at that very moment, but what you don't really say. It's my turn to write what I've been feeling inside, spurred on by the very posts that I have been re-blogging on tumblr these past few months.
In August, I took the step of saying goodbye to the man who had shared my life for the past 3 years. So many memories, so many wonderful ones, that it hurts to even type this just thinking about them. What happened? I thought we could grow old together, the turning point was this simple question. Simple, but loaded.
I don't think you are happy, are you? - J.
She asked it, and it hit something deep inside. Why wouldn't I be? This is a guy who loves me, who spoils me, who's shared so many things with me. Why wasn't I happy? Life happened. We had become comfortable and stagnant, and we didn't try to save it. Well, I didn't try to save it, I let it happen. I let my beautiful relationship wither slowly and die.
I know I'm not over him, but there is a difference between sentiment and feeling. Am I missing him because of our history, our bonds, Pepper? Or am I missing him because I want him back in my life - that stability, that security, that sense of familiarity. Either way, do I want him back because he's the right one, not because he's right for me?
It is painful to let go, it has become extremely painful to hold on. Surrounded by memories, accompanied by confusion, guilt, regret and despair. It doesn't help when friends and family question us, even with accusatory tones. My fault? My loss? So today, his cousin came to talk to me. Started off friendly, ended off awkward. Was she being accusatory, protective of him? Maybe, I don't blame her. But couldn't she understand, I was hurting too. I wasn't okay, I wasn't having the time of my life without him. I wasn't the winner, there were no winners.
I thought I was brave to make the first step by initiating the break up. It comes in waves, that I can't see this through and walk away. It is easy to say, let go and walk away. It's harder when you're afraid that by letting go, you'll be making the biggest mistake of your life. So much for courage huh?
I loved him so much once upon a time, and I guess I always will. At this crossroads in front of me, I have no inclination to either turn back or move forward. Clarity evades me, the stress comes uninvited in my sleep, waking me. Breaking up, always hurts, whether or not you initated it.
I understood.
A woman like you,
you should have gone places.
Instead, for love,
you stayed where you were,
for him, for us.
I understood.
24 years down the road,
our relationship has finally turned the corner,
as I returned, a woman, earning my own.
I thought you understood.
So I started to tell you,
cracks were beginning to show.
You convinced me to work, to stay.
You and Dad had that too,
It was worth it, you'd make it.
I thought I understood.
Finally,
I bit the bullet and took the chance.
I gathered up the courage, to pick up
what was left of me and run.
I didn't think you'd understand,
but I hoped to God, you would.
I told you tonight.
I expected your reaction.
But oh wow, it hurt me twice as much as I thought it would.
You chose him.
You questioned me.
You doubted me, you judged me, you neglected me.
Family first?
No.
I thought, you would, of all people, understand.
it's all in bits & pieces.
never again.
i'm too old for this,
i should be mature enough.
i've a heavy heart,
and a sinking feeling.
the phone lies hidden,
imagine the messages it holds.
never again.
2.wad'll u do if u c ur gf/bf hugging a guy/girl?: it's just a hug ain't it? unless its that kinda touchy-feely up and down kinda embrace. [i won't jump to conclusions if justified properly]
3.ur fav song: alot. but currently clay aiken's i will carry you. [anthem by filo & peri ft eric lumiere (nic chagall mix)]
4.have a gf/bf?: lots of them. ;] [yes]
5.have ur own room? no.. tho technically it's mine.. [yes]
6.hates: emo stuff cos it makes you freaking emo & shitty.
7.wad u doin nw: this quiz
8.1 thing u cant live w/o: oxygen no?
9.where do u live: holland
10.wad wuld u do if sum1 tels u he/she lyk u: say thanks and then reject nicely if i'm not interested. [or if its too fast too furious too much]
11.when will u reject someone when he/she confess to you: if the feeling's purely platonic [, if the timing/environment is wrong]
12.where do u hangout: holland village
13.wad r u good at: poetry.
14.wad iZ it b0uT a perSon u can't stand: backstabbing, ditziness. [judgment without knowing]
15.waD d0 u wAn: acceptance and non-superficiality. [acceptance]
16.a w0rd daT describe u: spontaneous [complicated]
17.wadxZ ur dream: to be in a position of power so i'd never have to worry about tomorrow
18:day/nite: night because its easier on the eyes.
19:sunset/sunrise: sunset, because it signals the coming of night.
20:like a romantic bf/gf?: nope, prefer discreetness.
21:wad izzit b0uT de opposite gender daT attracts u: their eyes and character. [and smile]
22:r u an independent person: pretty much in certain aspects.
23: do u lyk skooL: yes when it's not stressing.
24.r u sTubb0rn: yes i'm ARIES.
26.believe in god: i believe he exists but nothing more.
27.ur fav physical feature: eyes. like to see if i can get lost in them. lol.
28.believe in fate: too much.
29.get pissed off easily: depends. more of short-term tho.
30.like ur parents: yes
31.r u a materialistic person: no, i can deal without stuff or money.
32.believe in love: shrugs- does it even really really exist? [yes but its draining & varied]
33.hw many piercings u hab: 6
34.will u get a tattoo: yes, i want to. lol. [4]
35.smoke: nay. [socially]
36.club / pub : no. i'm in the anti-clubbers' club. [lol. things change.]
37.clubbing: -see above-
38.will u forgive ur gf/bf if he cheats on u?: after we break up. [forgiven not forgotten]
39.will u expect ur gf/bf to forgive u if u cheat on him/her: not really since it's my fault. but i'm e faithful kind. [not really]
40.have u been on a trip recently?: no [yes]
41:fav country: england [currently, australia]
42.r u impatient: yes but ever since my phone got confiscated.. well. patience IS a virtue. [yes]
43.which brands do u prefer: adidas & those surfwear brands (guys') not the girl versions. [hehe. depends]
44.do you organise parties often: no, kinda failure at logistic stuff. [used to.]
45.do u hab gd frens: haha.. good question. but yes anyway. [yes]
46.do u think u r gd looking: honestly, no.
47.do u care abt looks: never a requirement.
48.do u think tt u r a gd stead: no, i prioritise stuff wrongly. [i'll give my all and work my butt off to make it work out]
49.do u use vulgarities: yes, who doesn't.
50.do u quarrel wif pple easily: mm. no.
51.r u forgiving: yes, but i don't forget.
52.do u get hurt easily: yes.
54.do u prefer girls wif long/short hair: short but sometimes long is nice.
55.is ur hair colored: no it's dark brown. [yes]
56.r u a romantic partner: no. [im not a fan of PDA]
57.do u wear a watch: yes [not currently]
58.wad color clothes do u like: black, purple, white.
59.will u chose love or $: love cos money is secondary.
60.do u prefer slp or eat: eat, i'm a peeg.
61.white or black: black
62.pink or red: red
63.fav flower: white roses
64.who you wish to receive flowers from: anyone who wants to buy flowers for me
66.fav perfume: don't wear the stuff.
67.favourite type of music: alt. rock, rap metal, neo-classical. [rock, classical, electronic dance music, acoustic, certain types of pop]
68.favourite past time: volleyball then hanging out wit people, reading. [just chilling]
69.fav drink: orange tea. PEPSI over coke btw. [hehe. i prefer coke now. and i'd still like orange tea if it was still being sold. tea would be best]
70.fav phrase: dots. [omg]
Every men's memory is his private literature - Aldous Huxley (author)
I used to write about experiences and about moments I thought were pivotal (at that point of time). I stopped writing back in 2008 because of I had lost inspiration and motivation. It is a new beginning now, and what better way than to re-visit my old blog.
Think of it as an injection of fresh memories. Maybe in 2014, I'll re-read this entry, and smile :)
whatchamacallit,
this author, thepoetwhoforgot-
shall take a step back,
and try to recall what it was
she was supposed to have remembered.
220387.
the sun, the sand & the sea.
politikal analyst.
digs rock, raves, elektronik danze musik & fun reads.
struggling poet.
some people drink themselves to oblivion, i choose to write. email
10/17/2011 06:17:00 pm, Monday, October 17, 2011
I have poured out my heart,
And laid it right here for you.
And I've tried so hard,
That's the best that I can do.
You used to be all I had,
Now you're just not what I need.
I've got to get over you, and I know.
Then I can get back to me.
It's easy to read and re-blog posts that you come across, of love and life, of breaking up & moving on. Things that seem to relate to what you're going through at that very moment, but what you don't really say. It's my turn to write what I've been feeling inside, spurred on by the very posts that I have been re-blogging on tumblr these past few months.
In August, I took the step of saying goodbye to the man who had shared my life for the past 3 years. So many memories, so many wonderful ones, that it hurts to even type this just thinking about them. What happened? I thought we could grow old together, the turning point was this simple question. Simple, but loaded.
I don't think you are happy, are you? - J.
She asked it, and it hit something deep inside. Why wouldn't I be? This is a guy who loves me, who spoils me, who's shared so many things with me. Why wasn't I happy? Life happened. We had become comfortable and stagnant, and we didn't try to save it. Well, I didn't try to save it, I let it happen. I let my beautiful relationship wither slowly and die.
I know I'm not over him, but there is a difference between sentiment and feeling. Am I missing him because of our history, our bonds, Pepper? Or am I missing him because I want him back in my life - that stability, that security, that sense of familiarity. Either way, do I want him back because he's the right one, not because he's right for me?
It is painful to let go, it has become extremely painful to hold on. Surrounded by memories, accompanied by confusion, guilt, regret and despair. It doesn't help when friends and family question us, even with accusatory tones. My fault? My loss? So today, his cousin came to talk to me. Started off friendly, ended off awkward. Was she being accusatory, protective of him? Maybe, I don't blame her. But couldn't she understand, I was hurting too. I wasn't okay, I wasn't having the time of my life without him. I wasn't the winner, there were no winners.
I thought I was brave to make the first step by initiating the break up. It comes in waves, that I can't see this through and walk away. It is easy to say, let go and walk away. It's harder when you're afraid that by letting go, you'll be making the biggest mistake of your life. So much for courage huh?
I loved him so much once upon a time, and I guess I always will. At this crossroads in front of me, I have no inclination to either turn back or move forward. Clarity evades me, the stress comes uninvited in my sleep, waking me. Breaking up, always hurts, whether or not you initated it.
promise me, whenever i finally fail to make you smile, you will look for someone who will.
promise me, that when you finally had enough of me, you’ll let me go.
promise me that you won’t lead me on when you’re not prepared to be with me forever.
We must be willing to let go of the life we planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us - Joseph Campbell
8/19/2011 09:29:00 pm, Friday, August 19, 2011
You were never there.I understood.
A woman like you,
you should have gone places.
Instead, for love,
you stayed where you were,
for him, for us.
I understood.
24 years down the road,
our relationship has finally turned the corner,
as I returned, a woman, earning my own.
I thought you understood.
So I started to tell you,
cracks were beginning to show.
You convinced me to work, to stay.
You and Dad had that too,
It was worth it, you'd make it.
I thought I understood.
Finally,
I bit the bullet and took the chance.
I gathered up the courage, to pick up
what was left of me and run.
I didn't think you'd understand,
but I hoped to God, you would.
I told you tonight.
I expected your reaction.
But oh wow, it hurt me twice as much as I thought it would.
You chose him.
You questioned me.
You doubted me, you judged me, you neglected me.
Family first?
No.
I thought, you would, of all people, understand.
6/19/2011 09:48:00 am, Sunday, June 19, 2011
what happened?it's all in bits & pieces.
never again.
i'm too old for this,
i should be mature enough.
i've a heavy heart,
and a sinking feeling.
the phone lies hidden,
imagine the messages it holds.
never again.
6/08/2011 03:41:00 pm, Wednesday, June 08, 2011
1.wadxZ ur hp number: 9862*&## [9735&^%$]2.wad'll u do if u c ur gf/bf hugging a guy/girl?: it's just a hug ain't it? unless its that kinda touchy-feely up and down kinda embrace. [i won't jump to conclusions if justified properly]
3.ur fav song: alot. but currently clay aiken's i will carry you. [anthem by filo & peri ft eric lumiere (nic chagall mix)]
4.have a gf/bf?: lots of them. ;] [yes]
5.have ur own room? no.. tho technically it's mine.. [yes]
6.hates: emo stuff cos it makes you freaking emo & shitty.
7.wad u doin nw: this quiz
8.1 thing u cant live w/o: oxygen no?
9.where do u live: holland
10.wad wuld u do if sum1 tels u he/she lyk u: say thanks and then reject nicely if i'm not interested. [or if its too fast too furious too much]
11.when will u reject someone when he/she confess to you: if the feeling's purely platonic [, if the timing/environment is wrong]
12.where do u hangout: holland village
13.wad r u good at: poetry.
14.wad iZ it b0uT a perSon u can't stand: backstabbing, ditziness. [judgment without knowing]
15.waD d0 u wAn: acceptance and non-superficiality. [acceptance]
16.a w0rd daT describe u: spontaneous [complicated]
17.wadxZ ur dream: to be in a position of power so i'd never have to worry about tomorrow
18:day/nite: night because its easier on the eyes.
19:sunset/sunrise: sunset, because it signals the coming of night.
20:like a romantic bf/gf?: nope, prefer discreetness.
21:wad izzit b0uT de opposite gender daT attracts u: their eyes and character. [and smile]
22:r u an independent person: pretty much in certain aspects.
23: do u lyk skooL: yes when it's not stressing.
24.r u sTubb0rn: yes i'm ARIES.
26.believe in god: i believe he exists but nothing more.
27.ur fav physical feature: eyes. like to see if i can get lost in them. lol.
28.believe in fate: too much.
29.get pissed off easily: depends. more of short-term tho.
30.like ur parents: yes
31.r u a materialistic person: no, i can deal without stuff or money.
32.believe in love: shrugs- does it even really really exist? [yes but its draining & varied]
33.hw many piercings u hab: 6
34.will u get a tattoo: yes, i want to. lol. [4]
35.smoke: nay. [socially]
36.club / pub : no. i'm in the anti-clubbers' club. [lol. things change.]
37.clubbing: -see above-
38.will u forgive ur gf/bf if he cheats on u?: after we break up. [forgiven not forgotten]
39.will u expect ur gf/bf to forgive u if u cheat on him/her: not really since it's my fault. but i'm e faithful kind. [not really]
40.have u been on a trip recently?: no [yes]
41:fav country: england [currently, australia]
42.r u impatient: yes but ever since my phone got confiscated.. well. patience IS a virtue. [yes]
43.which brands do u prefer: adidas & those surfwear brands (guys') not the girl versions. [hehe. depends]
44.do you organise parties often: no, kinda failure at logistic stuff. [used to.]
45.do u hab gd frens: haha.. good question. but yes anyway. [yes]
46.do u think u r gd looking: honestly, no.
47.do u care abt looks: never a requirement.
48.do u think tt u r a gd stead: no, i prioritise stuff wrongly. [i'll give my all and work my butt off to make it work out]
49.do u use vulgarities: yes, who doesn't.
50.do u quarrel wif pple easily: mm. no.
51.r u forgiving: yes, but i don't forget.
52.do u get hurt easily: yes.
54.do u prefer girls wif long/short hair: short but sometimes long is nice.
55.is ur hair colored: no it's dark brown. [yes]
56.r u a romantic partner: no. [im not a fan of PDA]
57.do u wear a watch: yes [not currently]
58.wad color clothes do u like: black, purple, white.
59.will u chose love or $: love cos money is secondary.
60.do u prefer slp or eat: eat, i'm a peeg.
61.white or black: black
62.pink or red: red
63.fav flower: white roses
64.who you wish to receive flowers from: anyone who wants to buy flowers for me
66.fav perfume: don't wear the stuff.
67.favourite type of music: alt. rock, rap metal, neo-classical. [rock, classical, electronic dance music, acoustic, certain types of pop]
68.favourite past time: volleyball then hanging out wit people, reading. [just chilling]
69.fav drink: orange tea. PEPSI over coke btw. [hehe. i prefer coke now. and i'd still like orange tea if it was still being sold. tea would be best]
70.fav phrase: dots. [omg]
6/06/2011 04:48:00 pm, Monday, June 06, 2011
after almost 3 years, i stumbled across this blog in my archives. looking back at my old entries, i laughed, i smiled and inside, a part of me teared. memories, has any wise old men said anything about them?Every men's memory is his private literature - Aldous Huxley (author)
I used to write about experiences and about moments I thought were pivotal (at that point of time). I stopped writing back in 2008 because of I had lost inspiration and motivation. It is a new beginning now, and what better way than to re-visit my old blog.
Think of it as an injection of fresh memories. Maybe in 2014, I'll re-read this entry, and smile :)
7/23/2008 08:57:00 pm, Wednesday, July 23, 2008
due to the lack of inspiration, creativity.. whatchamacallit,
this author, thepoetwhoforgot-
shall take a step back,
and try to recall what it was
she was supposed to have remembered.
6/18/2008 03:37:00 pm, Wednesday, June 18, 2008
Coldplay Lyrics
Viva La Vida Lyrics
past entries:
May 2006
June 2006
July 2006
August 2006
September 2006
October 2006
November 2006
December 2006
January 2007
February 2007
March 2007
April 2007
May 2007
June 2007
July 2007
August 2007
September 2007
November 2007
February 2008
March 2008
April 2008
May 2008
June 2008
July 2008
June 2011
August 2011
October 2011
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designer: detonatedlove♥ images: dusty_memories
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